A quote for 2012

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
- Paulo Coelho

Go crazy

Working at a coffee shop today, I overheard a mom and her little boy talking.

Prince's "Let's Go Crazy" comes on satellite radio in coffee shop.

Mom (sings along happily): "I haven't heard this in forever! I love this song!"

Little boy: "Who IS this?"

Mom: "Oh, just a song I used to sing in college, like all the time. Drove my roommates crazy."

Little boy: "Can I have another biscotti?"

Bynum Bridge: doesn't it make you feel good?

Spring stillness

"By being still and receptive, instead of busily trying to find solutions, we give our intelligence the time and space it needs to find an appropriate way to proceed.... What is fresh and alive comes only from the unknown."

- John Welwood, Ordinary Magic

Cosmic joke

I've been weighing two options. Let's call them THIS and THAT, to keep it simple. I've managed to get pretty tangled in my deliberations...

Is THIS or THAT better? If I do THAT then does it mean I can never do THIS again? THAT doesn't really align with who I am anymore, so is it wrong to even try it? Will THAT fuck me up in the head? THIS may not last, so should I worry? THIS seems foolhardy, while THAT seems onerous. Is THAT what it's come to? Am I worthy of THIS?

Hoo boy.

I meditated about it. I read some cards. I asked friends. I wrote about it. I tossed a coin. I made a list of pros and cons.

Then, thankfully, I realized (or remembered!): it doesn't matter if I do THIS or THAT. My choice is irrelevant. What matters is how I do it: happy, calm, in the flow, laughing. Because it's all a big cosmic joke. Laugh at the cosmic joke!

Look at me

That's what this cardinal seems to be saying. Look at me. How can you miss me with this fabulous red coat on? These sexy guys are all over the woods where I'm staying. In fact, all kinds of funky animal friends are busting out in the woods: big spiders, a bullfrog, owls, hawks, deer.

This cool little North Carolina vortex of life is helping me bust out some words and art, too. My creativity is off the charts right now.

Look at me. Not the cardinal! Me, the writer. If you've ever wondered what it's like to live straight from your gut, this is it, baby. It's all magic, all the time.

Sometimes magic can hurt. Just saying! But if you've been reading my blog (and if you haven't, you can always catch up in the archive!) you know the tasty secret: the pain is outpaced by the pleasure.

Sanctuary

I've retreated to a sweet, calm sanctuary way out in the woods, where I'll spend a month writing, reading, walking, and meditating. Space! Quiet! Or rather, songs of nature: birds, water in a pond, horses.

Having spent the past few months living with less space, this is magical and I am grateful. Thanks K, for making this possible for me.

I've decided it's hard to live with someone you're not sleeping with. If you're having sex this indicates a level of coming together, of commitment and intimacy that lets you be in close quarters on a daily basis: sharing a bathroom, padding around in socks, working, playing, being crazy emotional when you need or want to be.

I'm working on my second book. It's sexual, angry, outrageous. All the better to be in a place where I can laugh / scream / cry AS LOUD AS I PLEASE!

56 degrees

It's 56F outside, with a bright blue cloudless sky. The sun feels glorious. I am happy.

Open...or closed?

Something has shifted.

I was in yoga class the other day and the instructor said that at any one moment we have two choices: to be opening, or closing to what's in front of us. And it hit home for me: I have had a big CLOSED sign up lately. CLOSED to almost every facet of my life. That means I was CLOSED to new things coming my way! Oh no!

The instructor also talked about getting through resistance. You can either fall into a mental swamp when you get into a position that's uncomfortable: oh my god, I hate it here, why am I here, let me back out of this, I think I'm going to pull something, I can't do this.... This holds true for asanas - yoga poses - or for your random life situation.

OR you can breathe through it and see what opening this seemingly uncomfortable place brings.

Stop resisting your life, I told myself. So I hung out the OPEN sign and things are moving. Forward.

Helloooo, 2011!

Tracey Emin's "You Should Have Loved Me," 2008.
Courtesy of the North Carolina Museum of Art - on current exhibition

Today I braved Maine-like windchills to go the North Carolina Museum of Art. I was thoroughly impressed with the exhibitions, the space, and the redesigned grounds.

Above is the most delectable piece. Raw, gorgeous emotion. I saw Tracey Emin's "Love Poem" (another neon, in glorious hot pink) in Vienna a few years ago and it left me breathless.

Oh...speaking of breathless, she says girlishly. Said trip to the museum was a first date. With a lovely redheaded boy.

And he brought me flowers!

Threshold

I am at the threshold. Everything in my life is in transition. Starting over.

Let's look at that phrase. Some may focus on the "over," as in lost it all, rock bottom. I focus on the "starting," because once you've cleared out all that's come before, there is so much space. Vast.

My lovely friend M - who provided me much love and care when I was immobile in Mexico last week - gave me a statuette of Ganesh, the beloved Hindu deity. He is the remover of obstacles and he dwells in the threshold between the old chapter and new.

I have no reason not to be scared absolutely shitless. But all I feel is done. Calm. Ready.

So here I am, dancing with Ganesh in the space between. Nowhere to go but up. Nothing to do but allow myself to be filled with new resource, new experience, new adventure.

Everything brand new. Dancing.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha
Salutations to Ganesh, remover of obstacles

Cosmic seduction

A few weeks ago I posed the question what happens when I let the cosmos have its way with me?

I go back to Mexico, of course.

By the way, the gorgeous mural above says remember who you are.

October

I have a very good feeling about October! It's a "people can you feel it, love is everywhere" kind of feeling....

I have never wanted

I have never wanted
something so
much.

never so bewitched
mesmerized
by stars

now what?

Moon in Maine

Entering the Silence

Lately I've been so wrapped up in all kinds of noise - real and imagined, physical and mental - that I am craving silence.

Native American tradition speaks about Entering the Silence, or going into the deep quiet within you to access inner knowing. I'm doing this with 20 minutes of daily meditation. And I feel yoga lets you touch silence too, in terms of letting pure energy take over. I guess there are a number of ways to Enter the Silence.

It's only after having experienced summer and winter here that I truly get, truly appreciate the gift of the Maine winter. The summer is about tourists and traffic and locals scrambling to deal with both. But in winter, there is silence, and you can immerse yourself - and find yourself - in the rugged landscape and the elements.

It is a marvelous thing.

I kind of feel like I am eating some words right now...

...and no, I will not be here this winter!

Teeny pleasures

Talking with M, she said, "I am someone who takes pleasure in small things. But my mom: she is happy with really small things. Things like sharp new scissors, or fresh milk."

And I thought: what a blessing. Being blissed out with the nuances of life that usually fly under most people's radar. I know people who'd need a private jet to make them happy. And people who get happy with an extra 10 minutes of sleep, or a light bulb, or a juicy peach.

I'm aligning myself with the sharp new scissors people. Because then everything is joyous and magical, not just the expensive, the extravagant, the large.

Thank you for some teeny pleasures in my life...

• Blueberry honey
• A lime
• Soft blue bath mat
• How good my pillow felt last night
  

Surrender, believe

Seen in a library parking lot!

For those of you wondering hey, what's Kelly doing now? I have the very same question! I am surrendering, going with the flow, following the prevailing energy. A year-long writing journey, complete with all the nebulousness and travel, has left me rootless and spaced-out. I just want rest.

So that's what I'm doing (or, not doing). Enjoying the soil-scented breezes. Drinking tea and doing yoga. Seeing family. Taking walks.

It's blissful and I am grateful.

Ultimo dia en Mexico

Last day in Mexico. Everything took on a new sheen, down to the 3am techno music wake up call and dusty streets.

My mind said how can you leave Mexico? My heart answered you don't leave Mexico. It stays in you forever, no matter where you go.

My Mexican friends only said cuando regresas? When are you coming back? For them it was a given that I was only leaving for a little while.

I started this blog to chronicle the journey from Maine to Mexico. Today I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd already placed a period after Maine. Winter in Maine. Period.

And yet, God had placed a comma. Maine, the place where I'll go through the editing process.

I feel quite comfortable with the continuation of From Icy to Spicy because while I will be departing Vallarta, I've become one spicy woman.

So stay tuned.

Jackhammers in paradise

Two construction sites, flanking either side of my building. 8:00 am to 6:00 pm. Banging, clanging, and the sound of jackhammers. In paradise.

Merely the sound of my own internal demons.

Even as I get ready to write what I'm about to write I think, oh, how crude and how melodramatic. But the toothsome demons I've been dealing with this past year and especially, these past weeks, well, they are powerful indeed. Not to be handled lightly.

LISTEN UP, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I AM DONE WITH YOU!

NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL STOP ME BECAUSE I AM ENTIRELY COMMITTED TO FINISHING THIS BOOK. I AM HERE AND I WILL NEVER RUN AWAY.

LEAVE NOW AND NEVER RETURN!