Who am I kidding? I'm happy.

I am happy.

When I started this blog, I thought: OK. We'll do this blog thing until I get my book deal and that will be the big fat cherry on top, the final entry. Hasn't happened quite yet.

Still happy.

Not living with my cosmic man.

Still happy.

The Next Big Thing...is me staying where I am. Signing a year's lease. STAYING. Me, queen of itchy feet. STAYING. I took a walk on the beach today, letting the ocean chase my feet, sipping my oolong tea (Iron Goddess of Mercy) and suddenly I was inspired to belt out a song. I mean loud, too.

Sit, stay, breathe. Be happy.

Headlong into life

This morning I thought I'd go for a little swim. The sea looked so lovely and gentle. As I got to waist-deep, a big, mean wave came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face. Then another one, which dragged me on my rear end and turned me over. Sputtering, I crawled out, my bikini full of sand and eyes burning with salt.

Gentle, my ass.

I got to thinking about this later today (after a nap). The ocean is pure, raw, crazy powerful LIFE. And as I've found out, when you jump headlong into life, sometimes you get smacked.

But you also get loved. Because now I feel invigorated after my tussle with Mother Ocean. Worked over by the physical rush of it.

I really love my ability to jump headlong into life!

Here's how you do it

I've talked to a number of friends lately who are teetering on the brink of their dreams. It's like an outbreak or something. Everyone's looking to mutiny, make a jailbreak from the mundane. What does it take to make it happen, get through the confusion, stop feeling so awful? they ask.

It takes an unswerving commitment to dig into your heart and then follow what's there. No matter what.

Be fearless. You must not let your doubts and fears stop you. Money, time, security, grief, loneliness, your past: these are excuses. See them for what they are. Illusions. Trust me. They are just illusions to be blown away like smoke, no matter how big they seem. I KNOW this.

So you've been scared before. Bankrupt before. Hurt before. Someone stomped your heart. Someone trapped you, ignored you, beat you down. Broke you. You feel like you fucked up. You did fuck up. Me, too. So what? So what? Do it anyway.

How do you figure out what you want? Ask yourself: What brings me bliss?

Start moving in the direction of your dreams and trust me, you'll be supported. I KNOW this, too.

Who am I? A woman that will never stop. I want to keep traveling, tasting, exploring the world, people, adventures, all the range of emotions and senses. I make my own rules. I will have a home base next to the ocean but I will always be on the move somehow. I'm a writer and will always be. I'm going to go to massage school one day. I have so much to share and I will do it, blissfully and without reserve. I am ready - despite my fears! - to have a fiercely / gently passionate relationship with a fellow traveler who takes one look at me and can say,

WOW. I want some more of you. As much as possible. Starting right now. Been waiting for this all my life, baby.

Oh, yum.

I will follow this path even at the risk of death because it's the only way I can live.

Longings

"If she satisfied her longings they would by definition not be longings anymore. By living out the things she wished, there would only be possible failure. She feared failure even more than continuing to harbor unsatisfied longings. So it seemed quite clear that the only courageous thing to do was act on her desires."

- Louise Erdrich, Tales of Burning Love

I adore Louise Erdrich. I re-read these words today and they gave me a delicious jolt.

Everything will now come your way

That post title was in a fortuitous fortune cookie, by the way.

Today I moved out of my friends' home and into a room above a Mexican restaurant. Talk about material! My new home is twice the width of a twin mattress. I have a dorm-sized fridge, an ancient microwave, and my own bathroom.

And I got a job today as well, working at a lovely little B & B. As a housekeeper. To summarize, I used to have a flashy international-traveling, suit-wearing job. Now I'm a part-time housekeeper living in a rooming house, waiting to hear from my editor.

Oh. You thought I wasn't serious about pursuing my dream and publishing my book? That something like this would derail or defuse me?

No chance.

(I think I am going insane.)

Writer

To be a writer is to be hungry for words, like some people yearn for a steak or sex or a hot bath or a hot girl or a long vacation. I want to bathe in words. Words have always been my solace, my cross, my love, my talent.

I was invited to go dance at a gay bar tonight but instead I find myself here, writing.

Surrender, believe

Seen in a library parking lot!

For those of you wondering hey, what's Kelly doing now? I have the very same question! I am surrendering, going with the flow, following the prevailing energy. A year-long writing journey, complete with all the nebulousness and travel, has left me rootless and spaced-out. I just want rest.

So that's what I'm doing (or, not doing). Enjoying the soil-scented breezes. Drinking tea and doing yoga. Seeing family. Taking walks.

It's blissful and I am grateful.

Jackhammers in paradise

Two construction sites, flanking either side of my building. 8:00 am to 6:00 pm. Banging, clanging, and the sound of jackhammers. In paradise.

Merely the sound of my own internal demons.

Even as I get ready to write what I'm about to write I think, oh, how crude and how melodramatic. But the toothsome demons I've been dealing with this past year and especially, these past weeks, well, they are powerful indeed. Not to be handled lightly.

LISTEN UP, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I AM DONE WITH YOU!

NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL STOP ME BECAUSE I AM ENTIRELY COMMITTED TO FINISHING THIS BOOK. I AM HERE AND I WILL NEVER RUN AWAY.

LEAVE NOW AND NEVER RETURN!

Packing up

Yesterday I started organizing my things for the trip. As I began to peek into drawers, unearthing useless objects I'd hidden away six months ago, I heard the roar of heavy machinery across the street. A crew was demolishing a small inn that had stood empty all winter. Getting rid of something old to make room for something new: a lovely omen. I got it, I got it!

Jodi, Marlee Matlin's wonderful character on The L Word, said something just gorgeous to Bette during a seduction scene:

"The more I'm afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or, I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be."

And that resonated as much as the snarling metaphysical demolition taking place within me now. Oh, fuck.

Sueño

It means dream.I am trusting my deepest instincts, which are telling me in no uncertain terms to go to Mexico right now. I just don't think I'd be pushed towards something that would hurt me. That kind of fearlessness is how this artist has to live her life.

"I just can't live my dream and be myself...because something bad will happen!!!"

No, no, no.

I am writing the story as I go along and the next chapters are all about sun, sand, sass, senses, surrender, sexuality, spring, summer...sueño. Notice how the sound of "S" is like the ocean?

I know I will be safe and welcomed wherever I roam.

Happy Spring Equinox, all!

A kick in the pants from afar

"Okay, lady, when's your next entry?" wrote my friend, giving me an email kick in the pants from New York City. Yeah, where the hell IS it? Could it be...

1. I am wary of the blog, circling the adversary like an ancient warrior, figuring out my next move.

How do my blog and book fit together? Does the blog replace the familiar paper journal I write in every day? How often am I to blog?

2. I am busy being inspired. Who has time to blog when I need to watch Dead Poets Society again? What a gem of a movie. Boys chasing dreams and letting the humble heart - and grand poetry - be their guide. Yum. Carpe diem! Sounding a barbaric YAWP!

And you have to admit, Lindsey Vonn's warrior skiing was absolutely killer. Her power and determination were wonderful to behold. Getting my book published is my women's downhill.

3. My mother read my blog and said: "you sound like a mixture of Terry McMillan and Erica Jong." I didn't know what to make of that. Is that something I want? Well, ok: assertive, sexy, unconventional women doing what they please and writing about it. Yeah, I'm down with that. Or could it be...

4. I am scared shitless about going to Mexico.

But hold up. February 14 - the day of my blog launch, Valentine's Day - was also the start of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Tiger. And a Tiger person is just who I happen to be. A fact gleaned from countless Chinese restaurant placemats! Tiger people are courageous and outrageous, going for the gusto and - to take a page from the Dead Poets - sucking the marrow out of life.

When the little voice says don't you think you could just go back?, I just turn the Gov't Mule up a bit louder.

Scared? Oh, fuck, no. Fearless.