Who am I kidding? I'm happy.

I am happy.

When I started this blog, I thought: OK. We'll do this blog thing until I get my book deal and that will be the big fat cherry on top, the final entry. Hasn't happened quite yet.

Still happy.

Not living with my cosmic man.

Still happy.

The Next Big Thing...is me staying where I am. Signing a year's lease. STAYING. Me, queen of itchy feet. STAYING. I took a walk on the beach today, letting the ocean chase my feet, sipping my oolong tea (Iron Goddess of Mercy) and suddenly I was inspired to belt out a song. I mean loud, too.

Sit, stay, breathe. Be happy.

Headlong into life

This morning I thought I'd go for a little swim. The sea looked so lovely and gentle. As I got to waist-deep, a big, mean wave came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face. Then another one, which dragged me on my rear end and turned me over. Sputtering, I crawled out, my bikini full of sand and eyes burning with salt.

Gentle, my ass.

I got to thinking about this later today (after a nap). The ocean is pure, raw, crazy powerful LIFE. And as I've found out, when you jump headlong into life, sometimes you get smacked.

But you also get loved. Because now I feel invigorated after my tussle with Mother Ocean. Worked over by the physical rush of it.

I really love my ability to jump headlong into life!

Things are going to get sticky, anyway

I didn't plan to take a vacation from my blog. Just kinda happened. Felt good. Things are changing rapidly in my life and I don't know how to write about them yet. Plus, let's face it: nothing else was big enough to overshadow my entry on Derek Trucks!

And it still isn't, but...

Leave it to a mouse to give you a kick in the pants. Or in the dress.

Recently I opened my closet to find a mouse had chewed some of my good dresses. I was pissed, and spent an afternoon ranting about it. But then I realized: there is a lesson here. This is only "bad" if I say so. Only "infuriating" if I say so. Maybe it just freakin' IS.

That little mouse was a Buddha in disguise. Because since then, I've been taking a pause when I feel overly emotional. Just a minute to say "Ok. I'm angry (sad, freaked, grievous, anxious, whatever). That's interesting." And in this moment, I can short-circuit the emotion so it doesn't take over. RADICAL! It just IS. So...where do I go from there?

Now this morning, I popped a small jar of honey...cue evil foreshadowing music...

into my purse to use for my cup of morning tea at a client's office. I put it in a plastic bag to avoid a honey meltdown.

BUT THAT SHIT DID NOT WORK! Got to the office to find the top of the jar had loosened and the bag broke, oozing sweet, golden goodness all over my stuff.

What's the lesson there? I'm just so sweet? More of the cosmic joke? Or is it...

You may try to control things but things are going to get sticky, anyway.

Coming to terms with the edge

Talking with a friend today, I reflected on how I frequently find myself dancing on the edge. The edge of what I think is my limit creatively, financially, and emotionally. I keep reaching places I thought I'd never see, didn't want to see, and cringe to experience.

So WHY? WHY?

Because I value freedom so much...because I find the edge more potent and lively...because I feel like security is limiting...because I equate the soft plains of stability with a kind of death...because I am a writer and need material....because it is all part of the cosmic illusion and I need to surprise myself continually...?

Now we're getting somewhere.

OK. From here on out: I am totally comfortable with so many edges, especially in terms of my writing and relationships and emotional experience. In terms of home and finances, though, I must have - yes, I demand and claim - a stable foundation.

It's time for a measure of stability. That in itself would be novel right now!

Bynum Bridge: doesn't it make you feel good?

Cosmic joke

I've been weighing two options. Let's call them THIS and THAT, to keep it simple. I've managed to get pretty tangled in my deliberations...

Is THIS or THAT better? If I do THAT then does it mean I can never do THIS again? THAT doesn't really align with who I am anymore, so is it wrong to even try it? Will THAT fuck me up in the head? THIS may not last, so should I worry? THIS seems foolhardy, while THAT seems onerous. Is THAT what it's come to? Am I worthy of THIS?

Hoo boy.

I meditated about it. I read some cards. I asked friends. I wrote about it. I tossed a coin. I made a list of pros and cons.

Then, thankfully, I realized (or remembered!): it doesn't matter if I do THIS or THAT. My choice is irrelevant. What matters is how I do it: happy, calm, in the flow, laughing. Because it's all a big cosmic joke. Laugh at the cosmic joke!