Sitting with myself

Today, here, I met myself. Here, while reading Jake Fades. I met me - the whole, the real me. And I smiled.

Jake Fades, by David Guy, is a sweet novel about life, beer, donuts, sex, and oh, yes - Zen. It especially focuses on zazen, or the practice of sitting meditation. You sit, breathe, and see what arises. Soften to all the feelings.

Zen. Zazen. There is something to be said for just sitting.

Gracias

Today I feel an overwhelming gratitude to be alive, in this body.

How about you?

Lust in the Leaflight

I don't have a lusty encounter - muddy, grass-stained, delicious, took place under these branches - to relate. Sorry. Tricked you. And here you are, reading my blog.

I am feeling lusty though. Spring, and a young woman's thoughts turn to...

Oh, come on! You'd all rather be gettin' some than whatever you're doing right now. All of you! Banging, balling, bonking, rolling in the hay, fucking, knocking boots, getting laid, gettin' busy, doin' the wild thing. Admit it!

Do you chew your food?

I'm serious. Do you chew your food or do you just wolf it? No disrespect to wolves.

Here in the woods I've finally learned to chew. I know this sounds humorous. If you had asked me before if I chewed, I'd have said well of course, I don't just swallow it whole. I mean, I've eaten at amazing restaurants, had five-star cuisine even, a handful of times. It tasted refined, nuanced, gorgeous.

(But did I really chew those wonderful meals? I just don't know!)

So here's what happened. I read "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh and he suggested that mindful eating, along with mindful walking and mindful breathing, is a sure way to diffuse anger or any other negative emotion, dissolving it right away in a sea of mindfulness. For mindful eating, the instruction was to simply sit and eat, no distractions, being present, and here's the kicker: to chew each bite 50 times.

Now I don't know if I'm getting to 50. I'm not counting. But I'm chewing way more. And it's clear that before, I was a wolf scarfing her meat down. Now I'm savoring. It's making a big difference, physically and emotionally. Before, I wasn't aware if I was chewing or not. Damn.

Hanh goes on to say that mindful living in general - whether working, playing, cleaning, eating - will serve to either amplify good emotions or pacify bad ones.

I almost feel I'm confessing something embarrassing. Like someone could read this and say she used to wolf her food!

But so many people do. YOU may. Maybe you just wolfed a snack before you read this, in like three bites!

Hell, I used to wolf my LIFE.

But no more. Now I savor. Savor: imagine it taking five seconds to say this word and that is what I'm doing. Mexico would be so proud of me.

Threshold

I am at the threshold. Everything in my life is in transition. Starting over.

Let's look at that phrase. Some may focus on the "over," as in lost it all, rock bottom. I focus on the "starting," because once you've cleared out all that's come before, there is so much space. Vast.

My lovely friend M - who provided me much love and care when I was immobile in Mexico last week - gave me a statuette of Ganesh, the beloved Hindu deity. He is the remover of obstacles and he dwells in the threshold between the old chapter and new.

I have no reason not to be scared absolutely shitless. But all I feel is done. Calm. Ready.

So here I am, dancing with Ganesh in the space between. Nowhere to go but up. Nothing to do but allow myself to be filled with new resource, new experience, new adventure.

Everything brand new. Dancing.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha
Salutations to Ganesh, remover of obstacles

Now

Every day here is magic. Some new friend, new sight - or insight. Mexico is a country of now. El Ahora. What is happening right this second? Nothing else matters. It is not a place of planning.

Now, I am thinking about the boy who gave me a kiss the other night.

Now, I want a glass of freshly squeezed mango juice with lime.

Now, the temperature is perfect, with a blue sky touched with breeze.