A quote for 2012

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
- Paulo Coelho

Single in your 30s

I read this article on single women in their 30s in the New York Times (it tickled me that it was in the Fashion & Style section). It's not Carrie Bradshaw, but a touching look at the question the author and her single friends asked themselves when they reached the mid-thirties, unmarried:

What's wrong with me?

Sara concludes that the answer isn't about something being wrong - but the timing being right. The right guy comes at the right time. Totally! I like her. And I'd like to read the book her byline says she's writing about women who get married after age 35.

When I lived in Mexico, every male I met asked me this question:

Where is your husband? And your babies?

I felt defensive then. Now, I think, well: he's on the way. He's looking for me, I'm looking for him, and our paths are bound to cross. I've had a lot of great love - even great romance - along the way. And truthfully, I've been traveling so much it's no wonder he couldn't find me!

I welcome being found.

Love and... Ludacris?

Lately I've been trying zazen, the Buddhist practice of sitting. It's not your usual meditation - an emptying of the mind. This is sitting with what is, letting your mind range - and moving forward from there. What's coming up for me is loneliness. If happiness is accepting what is, then I can't get happy with being alone anymore.

I accept that it is unacceptable for me to be without my love any longer!

Take that, Buddha.

I am fucking lonely. I am happy with who I am, where I've been, where I'm going...and I am ready to share. NOW. I'm not afraid to say these things. I want to be held. To touch and be touched. To fall asleep with someone, wake up with someone, adventure together through this thing called life.

Being alone even one more day is completely unacceptable to me.

And on a completely unrelated note, I heard this fun song by Ludacris in my car yesterday, My Chick Bad. The hook caught me:

My chick bad
My chick hood
My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could

I have always enjoyed Ludacris, ever since What's Your Fantasy.

Blues rock is my drug of choice but you've gotta admit: a lot of the edgiest stuff that's come out in recent decades is rap. Nelly, Eminem, Missy Elliot, Ludacris.

Don't even get me started on Country Grammar. When that came out, NOTHING sounded like it. It was revolutionary, fool!

So if you're looking for a woman who's unafraid of sharing her dark feelings and jamming to some rap from the Dirty South...I'm your gal.

Here's how you do it

I've talked to a number of friends lately who are teetering on the brink of their dreams. It's like an outbreak or something. Everyone's looking to mutiny, make a jailbreak from the mundane. What does it take to make it happen, get through the confusion, stop feeling so awful? they ask.

It takes an unswerving commitment to dig into your heart and then follow what's there. No matter what.

Be fearless. You must not let your doubts and fears stop you. Money, time, security, grief, loneliness, your past: these are excuses. See them for what they are. Illusions. Trust me. They are just illusions to be blown away like smoke, no matter how big they seem. I KNOW this.

So you've been scared before. Bankrupt before. Hurt before. Someone stomped your heart. Someone trapped you, ignored you, beat you down. Broke you. You feel like you fucked up. You did fuck up. Me, too. So what? So what? Do it anyway.

How do you figure out what you want? Ask yourself: What brings me bliss?

Start moving in the direction of your dreams and trust me, you'll be supported. I KNOW this, too.

Who am I? A woman that will never stop. I want to keep traveling, tasting, exploring the world, people, adventures, all the range of emotions and senses. I make my own rules. I will have a home base next to the ocean but I will always be on the move somehow. I'm a writer and will always be. I'm going to go to massage school one day. I have so much to share and I will do it, blissfully and without reserve. I am ready - despite my fears! - to have a fiercely / gently passionate relationship with a fellow traveler who takes one look at me and can say,

WOW. I want some more of you. As much as possible. Starting right now. Been waiting for this all my life, baby.

Oh, yum.

I will follow this path even at the risk of death because it's the only way I can live.

Showering with butterflies

I've moved back to the woods, where I shower with butterflies. (They are greedy with the soap). I fall asleep to the sound of banjo frogs and cicadas. And sometimes wake in the middle of the night to the wild noises of bard owls mating.

Being here in a beautiful space...surrounded by nature's inspiration...in a community of artists and mavericks...with a housemate who is artistic, conscious, and funny: all of it is one step closer to the vibe of my ocean home.

I'm also flirting more, connecting more, and just generally loving life more. All of this is sexy (take that, you horny owls!). To me and to others. I'm anticipating a date this week with a gorgeous, unconventional guy.

And writing. Of course. It's my first, my last, my everything. To quote the great master Barry White. It's who I am. End of story. Ha! So how am I doing in this arena? More and more freelance clients. Just submitted a short story and am finishing up another. Waiting oh so patiently as my book makes the rounds.

Surrender, believe

Seen in a library parking lot!

For those of you wondering hey, what's Kelly doing now? I have the very same question! I am surrendering, going with the flow, following the prevailing energy. A year-long writing journey, complete with all the nebulousness and travel, has left me rootless and spaced-out. I just want rest.

So that's what I'm doing (or, not doing). Enjoying the soil-scented breezes. Drinking tea and doing yoga. Seeing family. Taking walks.

It's blissful and I am grateful.

Ultimo dia en Mexico

Last day in Mexico. Everything took on a new sheen, down to the 3am techno music wake up call and dusty streets.

My mind said how can you leave Mexico? My heart answered you don't leave Mexico. It stays in you forever, no matter where you go.

My Mexican friends only said cuando regresas? When are you coming back? For them it was a given that I was only leaving for a little while.

I started this blog to chronicle the journey from Maine to Mexico. Today I realized that somewhere along the way, I'd already placed a period after Maine. Winter in Maine. Period.

And yet, God had placed a comma. Maine, the place where I'll go through the editing process.

I feel quite comfortable with the continuation of From Icy to Spicy because while I will be departing Vallarta, I've become one spicy woman.

So stay tuned.

Adios, Mexico

I have finished my book. 12 months, 7 beds, 2 countries, 1 dream realized.

And I am leaving Mexico. As a friend said though, I´ve been bitten (literally!). I will return someday.

Gracias, Mexico, por todos...

Packing up

Yesterday I started organizing my things for the trip. As I began to peek into drawers, unearthing useless objects I'd hidden away six months ago, I heard the roar of heavy machinery across the street. A crew was demolishing a small inn that had stood empty all winter. Getting rid of something old to make room for something new: a lovely omen. I got it, I got it!

Jodi, Marlee Matlin's wonderful character on The L Word, said something just gorgeous to Bette during a seduction scene:

"The more I'm afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or, I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be."

And that resonated as much as the snarling metaphysical demolition taking place within me now. Oh, fuck.

Yearning...

There's something that keeps invading my thoughts. At a yoga workshop, I once met a woman who said that she spent seven hours kissing one of the loves of her life. She said that nothing else ever happened between them but that epic liplock on a porch overlooking a river.

After so much time, that kiss would move beyond lust, beyond the physical, beyond to a spiritual - a mystical - experience.

Seven hours.

Kissing.

Cannot stop thinking about it.

Sueño

It means dream.I am trusting my deepest instincts, which are telling me in no uncertain terms to go to Mexico right now. I just don't think I'd be pushed towards something that would hurt me. That kind of fearlessness is how this artist has to live her life.

"I just can't live my dream and be myself...because something bad will happen!!!"

No, no, no.

I am writing the story as I go along and the next chapters are all about sun, sand, sass, senses, surrender, sexuality, spring, summer...sueño. Notice how the sound of "S" is like the ocean?

I know I will be safe and welcomed wherever I roam.

Happy Spring Equinox, all!