Freak. Out.

This is the lowest day I've had in a long time. I'm having a freakout. What do I think I'm doing? I don't know anyone in Mexico. I don't have a firm place to stay. I don't feel able to continue on in Maine - and I no longer have a home to return to in Carolina.

My ship is without mooring.

Today I had a meeting connected with my freelance work. I ended up in a corporate meeting room without lunch, feeling dazed and trapped, surrounded by a network of gray cubicles. This put a quick end to yesterday's fantasies of returning to the "respectable world." Huh.

I really, really, really, really (you get the picture) feel uncomfortable about my housing situation in Mexico - or lack thereof. I've been corresponding with two people who contacted me via Craigslist. One is a woman with a room to rent. Her English isn't stellar and her concept of time is fuzzy. But this could be the structuralist in me being confused by the live-in-the-nowist in her.

The other option I've been pursuing is a place owned by an American who winters there. He said he could not hold the condo for me, to which I replied if it was the place for me, it would be available when I arrived. He gave me the email of his previous tenant. She raved about the place but said she'd rented the place sight unseen - and counseled me to do the same, lest this perfect deal pass me by. When I said "oh, no" she pushed me yet again, saying offers like this don't come along all the time and that I would be wise to sign on.

Up til that point, I was thinking this would be the place for me. But I'm feeling sold to. What if these are just some scammers sitting in their basement somewhere, far from Vallarta?

I am feeling spectacularly angry and alone.