Who am I kidding? I'm happy.

I am happy.

When I started this blog, I thought: OK. We'll do this blog thing until I get my book deal and that will be the big fat cherry on top, the final entry. Hasn't happened quite yet.

Still happy.

Not living with my cosmic man.

Still happy.

The Next Big Thing...is me staying where I am. Signing a year's lease. STAYING. Me, queen of itchy feet. STAYING. I took a walk on the beach today, letting the ocean chase my feet, sipping my oolong tea (Iron Goddess of Mercy) and suddenly I was inspired to belt out a song. I mean loud, too.

Sit, stay, breathe. Be happy.

How

How can I care about dolphins when I haven't been kissed in so long?

A quote for 2012

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
- Paulo Coelho

Go crazy

Working at a coffee shop today, I overheard a mom and her little boy talking.

Prince's "Let's Go Crazy" comes on satellite radio in coffee shop.

Mom (sings along happily): "I haven't heard this in forever! I love this song!"

Little boy: "Who IS this?"

Mom: "Oh, just a song I used to sing in college, like all the time. Drove my roommates crazy."

Little boy: "Can I have another biscotti?"

This is not what I expected

Funny how this year has turned out.

Expected to have a book deal for my novel by now. Don't. But did finish a second book just a week ago, seemingly by accident through the lonely fight, the rough spots, the sorrow and joy.

Not just a book. A great book.

Dreamed of the ocean all year. All year the solemn hush and crash of waves - a recording on CD - sustained me, soothed me, inspired me. Listened to that CD for hours, weeks, months. And now I'm here. Freelance writer, living by the sea. Writing. Always writing.

This is success, right here and right now.

Occupy

I'm watching the Occupy movement with growing interest. It's like people have finally woken up. I think Robert Reich does a great job of summarizing things in his recent Huffington Post piece.

Sitting with myself

Today, here, I met myself. Here, while reading Jake Fades. I met me - the whole, the real me. And I smiled.

Jake Fades, by David Guy, is a sweet novel about life, beer, donuts, sex, and oh, yes - Zen. It especially focuses on zazen, or the practice of sitting meditation. You sit, breathe, and see what arises. Soften to all the feelings.

Zen. Zazen. There is something to be said for just sitting.

Seeking literary agent

I'd love to hear from a literary agent. I am seeking representation now.

Single in your 30s

I read this article on single women in their 30s in the New York Times (it tickled me that it was in the Fashion & Style section). It's not Carrie Bradshaw, but a touching look at the question the author and her single friends asked themselves when they reached the mid-thirties, unmarried:

What's wrong with me?

Sara concludes that the answer isn't about something being wrong - but the timing being right. The right guy comes at the right time. Totally! I like her. And I'd like to read the book her byline says she's writing about women who get married after age 35.

When I lived in Mexico, every male I met asked me this question:

Where is your husband? And your babies?

I felt defensive then. Now, I think, well: he's on the way. He's looking for me, I'm looking for him, and our paths are bound to cross. I've had a lot of great love - even great romance - along the way. And truthfully, I've been traveling so much it's no wonder he couldn't find me!

I welcome being found.

I surrender, again

When things feel overwhelming...I surrender. Breathe. And surrender, again.

Headlong into life

This morning I thought I'd go for a little swim. The sea looked so lovely and gentle. As I got to waist-deep, a big, mean wave came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face. Then another one, which dragged me on my rear end and turned me over. Sputtering, I crawled out, my bikini full of sand and eyes burning with salt.

Gentle, my ass.

I got to thinking about this later today (after a nap). The ocean is pure, raw, crazy powerful LIFE. And as I've found out, when you jump headlong into life, sometimes you get smacked.

But you also get loved. Because now I feel invigorated after my tussle with Mother Ocean. Worked over by the physical rush of it.

I really love my ability to jump headlong into life!

To the beach

I have moved back to the beach - this time the coast of North Carolina. Sound of the ocean when I wake up and when I fall asleep. Sharp tang of the salt air. Feeling more at home in the short time I've been here than anywhere else I've lived in 2011.

I'm silly with gratitude as I write this with my view of sparkling waves.

What now for me? Whatever comes. Anything is possible.

Love and... Ludacris?

Lately I've been trying zazen, the Buddhist practice of sitting. It's not your usual meditation - an emptying of the mind. This is sitting with what is, letting your mind range - and moving forward from there. What's coming up for me is loneliness. If happiness is accepting what is, then I can't get happy with being alone anymore.

I accept that it is unacceptable for me to be without my love any longer!

Take that, Buddha.

I am fucking lonely. I am happy with who I am, where I've been, where I'm going...and I am ready to share. NOW. I'm not afraid to say these things. I want to be held. To touch and be touched. To fall asleep with someone, wake up with someone, adventure together through this thing called life.

Being alone even one more day is completely unacceptable to me.

And on a completely unrelated note, I heard this fun song by Ludacris in my car yesterday, My Chick Bad. The hook caught me:

My chick bad
My chick hood
My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could

I have always enjoyed Ludacris, ever since What's Your Fantasy.

Blues rock is my drug of choice but you've gotta admit: a lot of the edgiest stuff that's come out in recent decades is rap. Nelly, Eminem, Missy Elliot, Ludacris.

Don't even get me started on Country Grammar. When that came out, NOTHING sounded like it. It was revolutionary, fool!

So if you're looking for a woman who's unafraid of sharing her dark feelings and jamming to some rap from the Dirty South...I'm your gal.

Things are going to get sticky, anyway

I didn't plan to take a vacation from my blog. Just kinda happened. Felt good. Things are changing rapidly in my life and I don't know how to write about them yet. Plus, let's face it: nothing else was big enough to overshadow my entry on Derek Trucks!

And it still isn't, but...

Leave it to a mouse to give you a kick in the pants. Or in the dress.

Recently I opened my closet to find a mouse had chewed some of my good dresses. I was pissed, and spent an afternoon ranting about it. But then I realized: there is a lesson here. This is only "bad" if I say so. Only "infuriating" if I say so. Maybe it just freakin' IS.

That little mouse was a Buddha in disguise. Because since then, I've been taking a pause when I feel overly emotional. Just a minute to say "Ok. I'm angry (sad, freaked, grievous, anxious, whatever). That's interesting." And in this moment, I can short-circuit the emotion so it doesn't take over. RADICAL! It just IS. So...where do I go from there?

Now this morning, I popped a small jar of honey...cue evil foreshadowing music...

into my purse to use for my cup of morning tea at a client's office. I put it in a plastic bag to avoid a honey meltdown.

BUT THAT SHIT DID NOT WORK! Got to the office to find the top of the jar had loosened and the bag broke, oozing sweet, golden goodness all over my stuff.

What's the lesson there? I'm just so sweet? More of the cosmic joke? Or is it...

You may try to control things but things are going to get sticky, anyway.

Derek Trucks

Derek Trucks. In concert. Tonight. Bliss.

Going to see Derek tear it up with his new outfit, the Tedeschi Trucks Band. Tedeschi as in Susan Tedeschi, his wife and fellow musician.

Derek Trucks is a blazing amazing guitar player, a wizard with a slide and the absolute cosmic master of the instrument. No one plays the slide guitar like Derek.

Nothing is sweeter than the few hours before a live show...

...except for the show itself, man. Except for the show itself.

graciasgraciasgracias

Here's how you do it

I've talked to a number of friends lately who are teetering on the brink of their dreams. It's like an outbreak or something. Everyone's looking to mutiny, make a jailbreak from the mundane. What does it take to make it happen, get through the confusion, stop feeling so awful? they ask.

It takes an unswerving commitment to dig into your heart and then follow what's there. No matter what.

Be fearless. You must not let your doubts and fears stop you. Money, time, security, grief, loneliness, your past: these are excuses. See them for what they are. Illusions. Trust me. They are just illusions to be blown away like smoke, no matter how big they seem. I KNOW this.

So you've been scared before. Bankrupt before. Hurt before. Someone stomped your heart. Someone trapped you, ignored you, beat you down. Broke you. You feel like you fucked up. You did fuck up. Me, too. So what? So what? Do it anyway.

How do you figure out what you want? Ask yourself: What brings me bliss?

Start moving in the direction of your dreams and trust me, you'll be supported. I KNOW this, too.

Who am I? A woman that will never stop. I want to keep traveling, tasting, exploring the world, people, adventures, all the range of emotions and senses. I make my own rules. I will have a home base next to the ocean but I will always be on the move somehow. I'm a writer and will always be. I'm going to go to massage school one day. I have so much to share and I will do it, blissfully and without reserve. I am ready - despite my fears! - to have a fiercely / gently passionate relationship with a fellow traveler who takes one look at me and can say,

WOW. I want some more of you. As much as possible. Starting right now. Been waiting for this all my life, baby.

Oh, yum.

I will follow this path even at the risk of death because it's the only way I can live.

Gracias

Today I feel an overwhelming gratitude to be alive, in this body.

How about you?

Crush and Ganesh

Look who I saw yesterday: Ganesh! My friend M told me that he has a big head, telling you to think big and go beyond your limitations. Also, he has big ears, telling you to listen and follow what you hear.

I have a crush. He's a beautiful artist. I saw him looking at me. And hopefully he saw me looking at him. I gave him my phone number.

I wonder where the story goes from here.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha
Salutations to Ganesh, remover of obstacles

Beach

These are blanket flowers sprouting from the sand at the beach. I read up on them and they grow best in harsh conditions.

Kind of like me, I suppose. Which is why I was at the beach. To create a blissful condition and escape the harshness that's been dogging me.

Here's what I learned: when I feel depleted, depressed, and stressed, I must lay flat on the ground and absorb the rejuvenating power of the Earth. In this case, the sand right next to the ocean.

Showering with butterflies

I've moved back to the woods, where I shower with butterflies. (They are greedy with the soap). I fall asleep to the sound of banjo frogs and cicadas. And sometimes wake in the middle of the night to the wild noises of bard owls mating.

Being here in a beautiful space...surrounded by nature's inspiration...in a community of artists and mavericks...with a housemate who is artistic, conscious, and funny: all of it is one step closer to the vibe of my ocean home.

I'm also flirting more, connecting more, and just generally loving life more. All of this is sexy (take that, you horny owls!). To me and to others. I'm anticipating a date this week with a gorgeous, unconventional guy.

And writing. Of course. It's my first, my last, my everything. To quote the great master Barry White. It's who I am. End of story. Ha! So how am I doing in this arena? More and more freelance clients. Just submitted a short story and am finishing up another. Waiting oh so patiently as my book makes the rounds.