THAT...

...was a mistake!

More of THIS and THAT

I'm having a hard time accepting my life right now. A few weeks ago, I wrote about the cosmic joke and a choice between THIS and THAT.

Well, I chose THAT. And I'm fighting against my decision. Unable to find peace with it.

I read recently that to gain freedom, I needed fierce integrity. Doesn't that mean holding to my rawest, juiciest truth NO MATTER WHAT? When I chose THAT, did I lose integrity? Does my inability to sit with this mean I chose wrongly?

Fucking fuck.

Spring is hot pink

Bynum Bridge: doesn't it make you feel good?

Spring stillness

"By being still and receptive, instead of busily trying to find solutions, we give our intelligence the time and space it needs to find an appropriate way to proceed.... What is fresh and alive comes only from the unknown."

- John Welwood, Ordinary Magic

Stars

if i happen to open
my eyes in the night
head to pillow, sleepy waking

i see stars glinting, tossed
across the velvet sky
inked shadows of tall pines

Do you chew your food?

I'm serious. Do you chew your food or do you just wolf it? No disrespect to wolves.

Here in the woods I've finally learned to chew. I know this sounds humorous. If you had asked me before if I chewed, I'd have said well of course, I don't just swallow it whole. I mean, I've eaten at amazing restaurants, had five-star cuisine even, a handful of times. It tasted refined, nuanced, gorgeous.

(But did I really chew those wonderful meals? I just don't know!)

So here's what happened. I read "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh and he suggested that mindful eating, along with mindful walking and mindful breathing, is a sure way to diffuse anger or any other negative emotion, dissolving it right away in a sea of mindfulness. For mindful eating, the instruction was to simply sit and eat, no distractions, being present, and here's the kicker: to chew each bite 50 times.

Now I don't know if I'm getting to 50. I'm not counting. But I'm chewing way more. And it's clear that before, I was a wolf scarfing her meat down. Now I'm savoring. It's making a big difference, physically and emotionally. Before, I wasn't aware if I was chewing or not. Damn.

Hanh goes on to say that mindful living in general - whether working, playing, cleaning, eating - will serve to either amplify good emotions or pacify bad ones.

I almost feel I'm confessing something embarrassing. Like someone could read this and say she used to wolf her food!

But so many people do. YOU may. Maybe you just wolfed a snack before you read this, in like three bites!

Hell, I used to wolf my LIFE.

But no more. Now I savor. Savor: imagine it taking five seconds to say this word and that is what I'm doing. Mexico would be so proud of me.