Do you chew your food?

I'm serious. Do you chew your food or do you just wolf it? No disrespect to wolves.

Here in the woods I've finally learned to chew. I know this sounds humorous. If you had asked me before if I chewed, I'd have said well of course, I don't just swallow it whole. I mean, I've eaten at amazing restaurants, had five-star cuisine even, a handful of times. It tasted refined, nuanced, gorgeous.

(But did I really chew those wonderful meals? I just don't know!)

So here's what happened. I read "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh and he suggested that mindful eating, along with mindful walking and mindful breathing, is a sure way to diffuse anger or any other negative emotion, dissolving it right away in a sea of mindfulness. For mindful eating, the instruction was to simply sit and eat, no distractions, being present, and here's the kicker: to chew each bite 50 times.

Now I don't know if I'm getting to 50. I'm not counting. But I'm chewing way more. And it's clear that before, I was a wolf scarfing her meat down. Now I'm savoring. It's making a big difference, physically and emotionally. Before, I wasn't aware if I was chewing or not. Damn.

Hanh goes on to say that mindful living in general - whether working, playing, cleaning, eating - will serve to either amplify good emotions or pacify bad ones.

I almost feel I'm confessing something embarrassing. Like someone could read this and say she used to wolf her food!

But so many people do. YOU may. Maybe you just wolfed a snack before you read this, in like three bites!

Hell, I used to wolf my LIFE.

But no more. Now I savor. Savor: imagine it taking five seconds to say this word and that is what I'm doing. Mexico would be so proud of me.

Best picture goes to...

After having seen some of the contenders for this year's Best Picture Oscar, I can't seem to put my finger on the winner. Here's why...

True Grit: Best Use of Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges seriously kicked ass in this movie. By turns funny and vicious, his character totally showcased Jeff's chops. Sometimes I thought: whoa, it's The Dude as a gunman. And who cares? It's just Jeff, shining through gruffly and smartly in all his Dudeness. Loved the relationship between the Rooster and Mattie, the sparse plot, and Matt Damon's chivalrous Texas Ranger. And the ending made me cry.

The King's Speech: Best All-Around
Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush are just radiant. Colin is the thinking woman's sex symbol. Geoffrey could play anyone beautifully. Every element of the film: flawless. Well done. For the cohesive and complete excellence, I can see it being Best Picture. You're holding your breath, hoping against hope that the King can pull it off for Britain and the world. And the ending made me cry.

Black Swan: Best Sexy & Obsessive
Natalie Portman was soooo disturbing. She portrayed the inhibited, obsessed ballerina with such passion and panache. Absolute Best Actress. A far cry from the sweet Sam in Garden State. The sexual undertone was delicious. The adrenaline-fueled tension was...frankly very uncomfortable throughout. You want to take an anxiety pill afterwards, or hug kittens, anything to bring you back down. And the ending, yes, made me cry.

Winter's Bone: Best Raw & Real
A big sister with a heart - and cojones - of steel tracks down her father's killer. Some crazy things happening out in the impoverished woods of Missouri. It's like a trip to another country, one with its own brutal and closed culture, laws, and language. Courageous acting and screenplay. The least Hollywood of any nominee and I mean that as praise.

And one that wasn't a nominee yet deserves a big mention...

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: Best Edgy Epic Hip
It's a video game! It's a graphic novel! It's a movie! It's a music video! What an insanely cool concept. It blew me away, the way that Pulp Fiction did when I first saw it (but with less gore). Like: did that just happen? Or: how awesome that the girlfriend's name is Knives? FUN FUN FUN and in my mind, groundbreaking.

Cosmic joke

I've been weighing two options. Let's call them THIS and THAT, to keep it simple. I've managed to get pretty tangled in my deliberations...

Is THIS or THAT better? If I do THAT then does it mean I can never do THIS again? THAT doesn't really align with who I am anymore, so is it wrong to even try it? Will THAT fuck me up in the head? THIS may not last, so should I worry? THIS seems foolhardy, while THAT seems onerous. Is THAT what it's come to? Am I worthy of THIS?

Hoo boy.

I meditated about it. I read some cards. I asked friends. I wrote about it. I tossed a coin. I made a list of pros and cons.

Then, thankfully, I realized (or remembered!): it doesn't matter if I do THIS or THAT. My choice is irrelevant. What matters is how I do it: happy, calm, in the flow, laughing. Because it's all a big cosmic joke. Laugh at the cosmic joke!

Look at me

That's what this cardinal seems to be saying. Look at me. How can you miss me with this fabulous red coat on? These sexy guys are all over the woods where I'm staying. In fact, all kinds of funky animal friends are busting out in the woods: big spiders, a bullfrog, owls, hawks, deer.

This cool little North Carolina vortex of life is helping me bust out some words and art, too. My creativity is off the charts right now.

Look at me. Not the cardinal! Me, the writer. If you've ever wondered what it's like to live straight from your gut, this is it, baby. It's all magic, all the time.

Sometimes magic can hurt. Just saying! But if you've been reading my blog (and if you haven't, you can always catch up in the archive!) you know the tasty secret: the pain is outpaced by the pleasure.

Sanctuary

I've retreated to a sweet, calm sanctuary way out in the woods, where I'll spend a month writing, reading, walking, and meditating. Space! Quiet! Or rather, songs of nature: birds, water in a pond, horses.

Having spent the past few months living with less space, this is magical and I am grateful. Thanks K, for making this possible for me.

I've decided it's hard to live with someone you're not sleeping with. If you're having sex this indicates a level of coming together, of commitment and intimacy that lets you be in close quarters on a daily basis: sharing a bathroom, padding around in socks, working, playing, being crazy emotional when you need or want to be.

I'm working on my second book. It's sexual, angry, outrageous. All the better to be in a place where I can laugh / scream / cry AS LOUD AS I PLEASE!

Valentine's Day 2011

Happy Valentine's Day: here's wishing you unfettered joy and pleasure no matter where you are, who you're with, or what you're doing.

I started this blog on February 14, 2010, to chronicle my writing journey. It's taken me from North Carolina, to Maine (where I launched the blog), to Mexico, back to Maine...and completing that circle, back to North Carolina once again. Phew.

Thank you for reading...

56 degrees

It's 56F outside, with a bright blue cloudless sky. The sun feels glorious. I am happy.

Generation ?

The other day I followed a trail of blog links and found myself engrossed in a forest of blogs written by 20-somethings.

Nothing against our Gen Y friends. It's just that reading their stuff drives home the point that I'm a person who may have hit her technology wall at the iPod. I got one, couldn't make it work. Gave it to my twenty-something brother. I'll take my eight-tracks, I mean CDs, thank you.

I'm not on Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter, or Flickr...don't own an iPad, iPhone, or e-reader. I'm sure that one day, as a wildly successful author, I will need more of a social media presence. I can see the allure of Twitter...it's like daily poetry. Poetry rocks.

But maybe I'll just get an intern to do it.

Back to the blogs. Rambling, hip, unfocused streams of consciousness fueled by whopping cups of extra-tall vanilla hazelnut espresso-shot latte, Lady Gaga, and the mad energy of living with five roommates. Or whatever. Energy drinks and pizza. One in particular was really funny, talking about her vagina like it was a fashionable girlfriend who lived in New York City. She had a gazillion followers and all the comments went something like this:

Follower: OMG that last post was so ON! i luv ur blog!!!!! xoxoxo LOL
Blog Girl: No, i luv UR blog!!!!!!
Follower: No, i luv {{{UR}}} blog! it TOTALLY KICKS ASS, when i graduate from high school i want to BE U.

And so on.

I can't help but wonder (shades of Carrie Bradshaw...I'm such a 30-something...) :

Does a flippant blog about your vagina make you hip and popular?

TTYL.